James McAvoy as Charles Xavier
Michael Fassbender as Eric Lehnsherr/Magneto
Jennifer Lawrence as Raven/Mystique
Oscar Isaac as En Sabah Nur/Apocalypse
Directed by Bryan Singer
Back in the way back, about 10,000 years or so ago, the ancient Egyptians worshipped a god. And for good reason. He kept everything under control. Except some of the Egyptians didn’t really care for the way he ran things, so they sabotaged his eternal life/body transfer process. End of god. For a while. Fast forward to the 1980’s. While checking stuff out for the CIA, agent Mactaggert uncovers the people uncovering the god, waking him to finally take over everything again. Enter the X-Men, all trying to get back to a semi-normal existence, when the waking of the god shakes the entire earth. Suddenly they aren’t just semi-normal anymore. Time to pick a side (again) and fight for the fate of the planet.
Ok. So. How many is this? Seven? And Mr. Jackman is in ALL. OF. THEM. Ugh. Iron Man hasn’t been in every Avenger/origin/stand alone on the other side of this universe. Let’s quit while we’re ahead. I enjoyed this film more than a couple of the other installments (X-Men Origins: Wolverine, X2, X-Men), but that’s not saying much. It had its moments, including:
- Any time Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler did his thing. I love that effect.
- The effects in general. It’s a superhero movie. Anything you can imagine is legit in this world.
And then, it had its OTHER moments.
- The Quicksilver scene. Yes, we know he’s fast. Do we have to give him an entire song to show off? Oh. That’s right. You’re showing off more effects. Sigh.
- The mini-origin stories for the four horsemen. Yes, even Magneto. We know what they are and what they do. Do we have to spend 5 minutes watching Angel get his wings and facial tattoos? No. Move on.
- Apocalypse speaking. Holy Moses in the reeds. If he’s gonna be this huge, super-important, all-powerful god, taking over the earth, he needs to not sound like he’s still waiting for certain body parts to arrive. Absolutely ridiculous.
- Giant Apocalypse. What a wuss. If you’re gonna be humongous, at least act awesome. Slowed down action for the big guys is embarrassing.
- The script. Maybe I’m hypercritical, but for heaven’s sake. “Do you really expect me to believe that?” “The world needs the X-Men.” “Everything they’ve built will fall! And from the ashes of their world, we’ll build a better one!” Cheeseball deluxe.
Weepy Meter: 1/10 Meh. I’m touched by clliches and stereotypes sometimes. Plus I like the music.
Man Meter: 5/10 Superheroes. Cool action sequences. The realization that Poe Dameron is suddenly EVERYWHERE in Hollywood.
Overall Rating: 6/10 Again, meh. First Class and Days of Future Past outstrip this one, but there will always be the Wolverine. Blech. This will never be that bad.