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2006

Gerard Butler as Leonidas
Lena Headey as Gorgo
David Wenham as Dilios
Rodrigo Santoro as Xerxes
Directed by Zack Snyder

Synopsis: It’s the story of Thermopylae, ancient Greece. Sparta. If you don’t know the tagline, ooohhh, boy…you’re in trouble.

So yeah. Sparta. These guys are pretty bad-ass. I think bad-ass is actually from the ancient Greek…sigh. NO audience. Spartans are all warriors. They’re awesome. The protect their country and their people, and they’re really freakin’ good at it. There is a threat coming in the form of the god-king, Xerxes…he wants everything in his sights, including Sparta, but King Leonidas doesn’t think that’ll work out too well. Nor does his queen. So he takes off with his bodyguards and, against the wishes of the creepy, face-licking Ephors, protects the Hot Gates from Xerxes’ forces.
Let’s be honest here…you are SO not interested in the story. Are those REALLY their abs? The answer is yes. The highly trained, specializing professionals you see on screen were only airbrushed a little bit. Lighting was used to great effect as well. So what else could make this movie intriguing?

• The slow motion scenes. Battles are hard to follow, what with the participants all running around trying to kill each other. You know. So the FX teams mirrored the comic books and had probably the time of their lives creating these scenes.

• Leonidas looking to Gorgo for permission to hurt people. LOVE it. Because only Spartan women give birth to real men. Respect is given where it is due.

• Our first look at Michael Fassbender in a MAJOR release. Leather shorts, a cape, and long hair? Well, it works for me… (LOL…he is German…I just got my own joke! Derp…not sure if it’s beneficial or detrimental that I have all Black Adder episodes committed to memory… leather shorts…)

• Rodrigo Santoro in gold briefs, towering over the mortals. VERY different feel from “Love, Actually”. But still sexy as hell.

So it’s not REALLY a chick flick, but in a way, it nearly is…lots of frighteningly fit men running around with their abs bouncing and flexing and roaring and killing…testosterone everywhere.

Weepy Meter: 2/10 People die. Dramatically. Lots of speeches. Could be Shakespearean, if you can ignore the strictly NON-Shakespearean everything quality of the movie. But it is sad. You get attached to the characters. FEEL, DAMN YOU!

Man Meter: 8/10 He SHOULD own this one…why don’t you watch it together, then go see the new one before it’s out of theaters? Supposed to be good…lots of good reviews…not that I’d know, apparently…ahem…I’ll get to work on that, shall I?

Overall rating: 7/10 I think the charging rhino kept it from rating higher. Shit. Was that a spoiler?

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