Time to spice things up a bit!

Today, lucky reader, you get to indulge in not one but TWO movies with just a single click of the mouse!  Today’s installment brings you a video game heroine with a penchant for tight bodysuits.  Surprisingly, the live actress <ahem> fills the role quite well (padded in the first, au naturel in the second), and the story lines are quite fun.

So with no more to-do, I present:

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider


Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft

Iain Glen ass Mr. Powell

Daniel Craig as Alex West

Jon Voight as Lord Croft


Synopsis: We start the movie with Lara beating up on, and shooting the crap out of, a monstrous robot.  She’s destroying the room and all things in it, and eventually the robot as well.  surprisingly, she’s at home, in Croft Manor, training.  Pretty intense for an “archaeologist”.  Turns out, both the training and the robot are necessary, when the manor is broken into; the thieves are searching for a piece of a triangle that will do something pretty crazy during the planetary alignment, which the Illuminati are very excited to see.  Lara can’t let that happen, of course, so the whole action-movie premise begins.


The script is decent, and the story is fun.  It’s just not fodder for the Academy.  But, as always (yes, I’m the eternal optimist), there are some good bits:

  • Bryce and Hillary, the ultimate in nerdy, straight-men.  Noah Taylor (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) and Chris Barrie are really fun to watch, Taylor as Bryce, Lara’s tech nerd (built the robot that she dispatches), and Hillary as her butler/sparring partner.
  • The scenery.  Angkor Wat, Hong Kong, Iceland, and my personal favorite, merry old London.  While the effects in some of these scenes are pretty cheese-ball, you can’t help but enjoy the fact that yes, that IS Angkor Wat.  Stunning

Weepy Meter:  0/10       Not gonna happen.  Not even when Lara has memories of her father on the anniversary of his death (Lord Croft is played by Jolie’s real father, Voight).  Not sad.  Music isn’t even that great.

Man Meter:       6/10       It’s a little outdated, especially in terms of effects, so he’s probably already seen it.  But I have a feeling that he won’t say no to some action, violence and Ange-baby in her tight clothes.

Overall Rating:   5/10       Not very good, but fun.  Jolie’s British accent is surprisingly decent, so you really can’t make fun of her.  At least not for that.


Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life


Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft

Gerard Butler as Terry Sheridan

Ciaran Hinds as Jonathan Reiss

Til Schweiger as Sean


Synopsis: Once again, Lara Croft has to get her hands on something important, something that could, in the wrong hands, destroy the world as we know it.  We open in Greece, where an earthquake shows Lara the path to Alexander the Great’s Luna Temple, full of his greatest treasures (remember, she’s a raider, so she’s basically Indiana Jones in shiny bodysuits).  She finds an orb that is the key to Pandora’s Box, so clearly she’s gotta find it before the bad guys and dispatch the danger.

I think this script is weaker than that from the first movie, especially in terms of dialogue.  Listening to the banter between characters, especially Lara and Terry, is a little painful.  But the good bits include:

  • The antagonists.  Ciaran Hinds (Calendar Girls, Persuasion) is so good!  His demeanor is perfect for the bad guy in this movie.  Til Schweiger (King Arthur, Inglorious Basterds) is fabulous as his henchman.
  • Again, the scenery.  This time, we travel to China, London and Africa.  So cool.
  • Djimon Hounsou and Gerard Butler.  Mmmmmmmmm.

Weepy Meter:  -1/10     ‘Nuff said.

Man Meter:       6/10       I echo my own reasoning from the first installment.

Overall Rating: 5/10       Still not a good movie, but fun enough.


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