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2008

Harrison Ford as Henry Jones, Jr.

Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood

Shia LaBeouf as Mutt Williams

Cate Blanchett as Dr. Spalko

John Hurt as Oxley

You’ve heard of the expression “beating a dead horse”, right?  Well, there is no Indy revival going on here, or the passing of any torches.  We’re good on Indy.  Live and let live, eh? 

Synopsis: we’re in the late 50’s now, dealing with the Red scare.  Indy is accused of being a dirty Commie because he was kidnapped by a group of Russians, but we soon learn that obviously he’s not helping them.  Next up: a trip to Peru to try to find and help an old friend, running into a lot of old and new friends along the way. 

I could handle the story line if the whole thing didn’t end up as an Indy alien movie.  Gimme a break.

Clearly this is not a favorite of mine.  Why?  Well, I’ll tell you.  (She’s going to tell…She’s going to tell!)

  • Excessive CG.  It’s set in the 50s.  Let’s try to keep it a bit more realistic.  The Artist, set during the silent movie era, didn’t zoom in ONCE during filming, because zoom hadn’t been invented yet.  Make an effort.
  • Pandering.  Don’t assume that the audience wants as many gags as you can chuck out.  We like a good story with good acting.
  • Shia LaBeouf as Tarzan.  WOW.  At least the monkeys were cute, and had better hair.

Redeeming qualities:

  • Indy.
  • Ray Winstone is awesome.  Not the best character, but he’s a fantastic actor.
  • Big damn ants.  I’ve heard of how they will climb on top of each other in order to get up to a higher level when there’s nothing else to climb on.  That was awesome.
  • John Hurt as the Ox.  I really think he stole the show.  He was better than Cate Blanchett, because any word with an –ow sound at the end lost all sense of a Russian accent.  The girl’s a Brit, and you can tell.  Good wig, though.
  • Location, location, location.  From the university to South America.  That’s one thing they never get wrong in this series.
  • The vehicles.  I want a Duck.  And I want Marion to drive it.

So: why should you go see this?  For the same reason that I stayed at the end of an all-day movie marathon at the theater: to say that you did it.  There are a few references to the earlier movies, so it makes it a little more fun.  The concept of the movie is neat; who doesn’t like to conjecture about where those Nazca lines came from?  How on earth did the Peruvians come up with irrigation 5,000 years ago?  But you don’t have to give me translucent aliens who share a consciousness and then make people spontaneously combust when they’re too assumptive.  Though I wouldn’t mind that power at work sometimes…

Weepy meter:  1/10       There are a couple of reminisces that made me tear up.  If you cry at weddings, it might happen.

Man meter:        7/10       Only if he’s seen it already.  If you want him to for the first time, don’t let him read this beforehand.  He’ll laugh and call you something unnecessary, most likely having to do with the young master LaBeouf.

Overall rating:    5/10       Yes, I like it.  Less than the other three, no doubt.  But again, I’ve seen Cirque du Freak.  I hardly ever watch this movie, but it’s Indy.

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2 thoughts on “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

  1. 5/10? Really Jess? 3 is more like it. maybe even a 2. The redeeming qualities do little to make up for the rest of the film. the South Park episode pretty much hit the nail on the head…..

    • It makes me crazy, but it wasn’t the worst movie ever.

      Maybe I’m just hesitant to rate lower than a 5…so consider my 5 a 1 for all other purposes.

      Need to see the South Park episode, apparently…I’ve heard that from several people.

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